27 weeks

I realized I have taken 0 pictures of this pregnancy... I guess I figured I documented a pregnancy already, why do it again. SO far my test results are perfect, well except the blood pressure. That I'm on a slew of meds to control. But no diabetes, no preclampsia yet and Im feeling much better... TIRED all the time, but I don't feel sick. The ultrasound was perfect (expensive), I think little Jimmy is just a lazy baby.

So at church a new lady told this story about her baby and how the fluid in the last week of pregnancy, depleted and they thought she would have a stillborn baby and sent her to the hospital, she talked about it in detail about how they prayed their baby would be alive and they were so scared. Now, you have to understand I HATE to cry in front of people, I hate it more than exercising, so you know it's the last thing on earth I wanna do! So here I am in sacrament, trying so hard to contain myself, but I was literally hysterically bawling. I covered my face with my hair (why'd I cut it short, crap!) too embarrassed to run from the chapel, but hoping NOBODY would see (or hear) my meltdown. I prayed she would SHUT UP and move to the next story. Then in relief society, another story about a pregnancy where they were positive she would not deliver an alive baby and they were blessed with a miracle and the baby was perfectly healthy. I clenched my jaw and imagined she was making up a fictional story about a baby doll, not a real child. I was able to contain myself, barely. But why do these women with just as much faith and prayers as me get to have alive, healthy babies, that actually go home from the hospital instead of that stupid woman from the morgue and the ugly cop escorts? Why do their babies get to breathe and cry and poop while mine just got colder and stiffer and bluer. What did I do to deserve such a nightmare of an outcome? Why do I have to drive 3 miles to look at a cold piece of stone with his name just to visit my son, when they only have to walk to the bedroom to see a sleeping, alive baby? Why does Brother Larsen think that our challenges are precious when they are horrible, awful memories that threaten to destroy our lives? How did Emma Smith ever handle losing sooo many babies when I can't handle losing one? Scratch that...two. I probably looked like a villain by the time I left church, I was stone, had to be to survive those stories about alive babies.

I just want the autumn to be here, skip to October when the weather is colder and football season is here and I can bundle up outside in a sweatshirt and a flat tummy. Did I tell you I'm doing the tubal ligation and the tummy tuck with this c-section? I just can't do pregnancy again. My body is falling apart! I don't have the energy, the support, the patience or the finances to handle more kids or more pregnancies. I figure, I have 5 kids technically when it comes to the eternal perspective and I can still raise the other two in the millennium (after the second coming of Jesus) but 3 is plenty for now. I only wish I could have had 2 boys and 2 girls. All close in age, so they could be best buds. Oh well, Alexandra will just have to wait.